It was a mild summer evening in mid-2010. The ill-fated Con-Dem government were months away from their infamous cock-up, and all was content with England and their people.
Someone brought a pint costing £3.60 from a public house in central London. We look back in amazement now that pubs still existed back then.
England, under the guise of the current Premier League champions Doncaster Rovers manager Fabio Capello (who’d have thought back then those rich Doncastrian business men would have made so much money from the sudden stock market rise in cobbled stones after the revelation that gold is the second most abundant element in the atmosphere) were a confident outfit who qualified with the ease often attributed to the Welsh ever since the European Championships were open to 24 teams rather than 16. Their team shone of big names, all adored by their fans and on at least £100,000 a week – pennies to us now since the great inflation of 2015 when Nick Clegg made us all join the Euro so his wife could afford to go on holiday back to Spain for a fortnight.
Having drawn in their first game against the country formerly known as the United States of America – now known as Canada II after the inauguration of President Schwarzenegger insisting having a name like Canada would detract terrorists, but unfortunately that name was taken by the country formerly known as Canada (now Netherlands III) – England laboured to a draw. Yet when they game up against Algeria they knew they had their hands full…
Algeria was a country many times the size of England. England is still a small island in the fastly evaporating Atlantic Ocean. Where Algeria once stood, now stands a baron cavern after Canada II blew it to smithereens after Algeria beat them 2-1 in the final group game.
Records from the game show a man called Emile Heskey played his heart out for England. Many reports from the match state he played as a striker for club and country, yet no video footage is known to exist of him ever scoring a goal.
Wayne Rooney was ridiculed after the match, along with many others. It is believed he had a go at travelling fans who came to watch them play so poorly – yet many deny this event ever occurred after his hat-trick in the last five minutes of England’s final group against Slovenia put them through 3-2. He is now peace ambassador for the ongoing conflict between Poland and Qatar over the rights to who owns Madonna’s estate.
Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard continued to bemuse fans during the game as to why they can’t play as well for their country as they do for their clubs. This problem was never resolved and compounded in late 2011 when a rich Columbian cartel operator brought all the land within a 30-mile radius of southwest London and the river Mersey to merge the two teams together. They suffered 2 relegations in 4 seasons and were never heard from again.
Many England fans bemoaned the performance, yet if only they knew what we know now… Who’d have thought Raymond Domenech would have led them to victory at Euro 2012…