Paraguay v New Zealand

Vuvuzela Rating: 1.6 Bored Drone

Paraguay entered the final round of group games a top the group after their 2-0 victory over Slovakia. Meanwhile New Zealand, although fast becoming everyone’s favourite underdog team needed to continue their impressive results if they were to qualify and shock the footballing world to its very core. Many New Zealanders had been given time off from their workplaces in order to watch the game, even though most of them were unaware football or Paraguay even existed.

The South American’s started the game strongest having a lot of possession but failing to create any clear cut chances, seemingly content to sit back and invite the New Zealand side to try and force the issue. But the All White’s defence was holding firm, in what appeared to be a 7-2-1 formation they packed the defensive third with players and subsequently broke down many of the Paraguayan advances without incident.

Dennis Canzina tried his luck twice from long range in quick succession but both of his attempts failed to trouble Patson in the New Zealand goal. The majority of the first half was appallingly dull, with ITV4 showing an archive episode of Police, Camera, Action for the remaining 25 minutes of the half to liven up proceedings. And that’s it basically, utter tosh.
Both sides continued to bore each other to death as neither looked anything like scoring early in the second half. Oscar Cardozo attempting a shot from 30 yards which went that far wide it almost ended up on a different continent. Midway through the second half Paraguay forced a good save from Patson when Edgar Benitez hit a low drive and the New Zealand keeper dealt with it effectively.

Neither side created a single good chance in this game, it was quite simply the worst game of this year’s tournament. Paraguay made most of the running but in reality never looked like troubling the scoresheet, New Zealand chose to defend stoutly and will leave South Africa unbeaten but knocked out none the less. Paraguay end the group stages atop of the pile and will progress into the last 16.

Match Statistics (Powered by Optajoke)

89 – During the first half bore-fest 89% of the viewing public found themselves asleep in their armchairs. Nap.

42,000 – Of the 42,000 people in Polokwani watching this game, all 42,000 of them wished they’d bought tickets to Italy v Slovakia instead. Regret.

0 – In the course of World Cup history, this game will be fondly remembered 0 times. Forget.

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