Vuvuzela rating: 8.2 – The sound of a lot of noisy bees who support teams already knocked out of the World Cup and so are supporting Ghana instead.
There were two narratives to this game; it was either an unbiased account of a great game featuring two relative underdogs fighting for a place in the semi finals. OR there was the ITV account where it was totally fine to patronise Ghanaian fans and cut to Marseille Desailly every time something happened.
What was clear from the outset was that if the “Rainbow Nation” was behind Ghana then Uruguay were the torrential storm that was about to piss on that parade. Ghana would not go down without a fight though and at the end of the first half Sulley Muntari popped up to scored a screamer (Note: Sulley Muntari is known as the Thomas Graveson of Inter Milan due to the fact that a lot like Graveson for Real Madrid; nobody is completely sure why Inter signed him). It seemed that for the first time in the tournament ITV’s theme tune of “Sing, sing Africaaaa!” was not as misjudged as it sounded (Note: other rejected lyrics were: “Play, play the Vuvuzela really loudly Africaaaa” or “When, when you score a goal you must do a dance as a celebration, but only if you are from Africaaaa”)
And so (according to ITV); the whole World was happy because Ghana were doing well. Everything was right with the World: Adrian Chiles was smiling, there were pictures from Accra showing the fans celebrating and Marseille Desailly was seen rising from his chair and saying something indecipherable again.
Nothing could go wrong…could it? Oh wait! Uruguay were actually trying to beat Ghana and therefore HATE Africa! And so 10 minutes into the second half Diego Forlan scored for Uruguay (it was at this point that ITV commentators had to restrain themselves from calling him a bastard but you did feel it was on the cards).
The game remained 1-1 up until the 119th minute when Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez decided to take a leaf from the North Korean handbook and become a goalie. He saved a header that was destined to go in but unfortunately found this was not allowed and so was sent off. The fate of Africa then rested on the shoulders of Asamoah Gyan as he took the penalty…which he missed. The game then went to more penalties!
The mood was tense but for Ghana’s first penalty Gyan summoned the spirit of Stuart Pearce in Euro 96 and scored! If only it could’ve been said for some of his teammates who unfortunately found out what it was like to be David Batty and Gareth Southgate. Ghana lost 4-2 on penalties and so the dream was over.
With all African teams knocked out of the tournament ITV finished the night with a final blast of “Sing, sing Africaaaaa” and the people of Ghana cried into their vuvuzelas.
Match Statistics (Powered by Optajoke)
60 – Percentage of Portsmouth fans who claimed that Muntari learned to shoot like that from Matthew Taylor. Pile driver.
15 – The number of seconds Luis Suarez spent wondering whether he got away with that hand ball. Cunning.
812 – The number of Dutch fans who believe Diego Forlan’s skill comes from his hair and so it must be cut. Samson.