A week is a long time in politics, apparently. So in football that must mean it’s an eternity. The first weekend of Premier League fixtures arrived last weekend to a fanfare of half-time pies and Sky Sports constantly ramming Monday Night Football adverts down our throats. Then it arrived and Richard Keys wasn’t wearing a pastel green suit like the good old days. We were not amused.
But can anything ever be learnt from the first round of fixtures? Well seeing as I’m here now typing away, I may as well try and say ‘yes you can learn something’, or set in stone what you thought you already knew about the teams in the Premier League. Here’s the teams in order of their league position at present…
Chelsea – They demolished West Brom 6-0. Given the chance they would have slept with their wives, or taken photos of themselves in provocative positions on a ‘mates’ phone. Contenders for the title.
Blackpool – They won 4-0 at Wigan. Their Chairman then thought it would be good to quit while he’s ahead. Will not win 4-0 again until they’re back in the Championship, or League One.
Aston Villa – Easy win against West Ham. To celebrate they got rid of James Milner and brought Stephen Ireland. They metaphorically lost a pound and found around 47p.
Man Utd – They won. They always win.
Wolves – If they’re 5th at the end of the season, I will buy all of you a drink of your choice from a posh Soho bar, that’s how confident I am that they’re terrible.
Blackburn – Blackburn have not been interesting since approximately 1995.
Birmingham – Will struggle to live up to the hype of last year. This will please Villa fans, and worry West Brom fans that they’ll still lose to them.
Sunderland – Relying on Darren Bent far too much. Eventually he will go back to being average, or move to Liverpool.
Arsenal – They’re the pretty girl of the Premier League. This is in constrast to the ugly crook who lived down the road during the mid-nineties. Neutrals are torn-between which is better.
Liverpool – David N’Gog is scoring goals for fun. That sentence will never be written again in the history of mankind.
Bolton – See Blackburn, but replace 1995 with 1925.
Fulham – Mark Hughes has been manager for a couple of weeks, and already wishes he’d joined Aston Villa, supposedly. Bobby Zamora is all of a sudden the Zlatan Imbrahimovic of South West London – you can add your own comments as to whether that’s a good or bad thing…
Man City – They have enough money to start their own space programme. By 2018 they will be playing home games on Mars.
Tottenham – Had 79 attempts on goal against Man City but drew 0-0. Wasteful.
Stoke – Relying on Rory Delap’s throw-ins just as much as before. Anyone who’s seen his blooper throw last week will know this could been a long season ahead.
Everton – Will come good around December, as ever, and then either Cahill or Arteta will get injured. Or both.
Newcastle – Shola Ameobi and Andy Carroll would struggle to get 20 goals a season in League Two. Bring back Alan Shearer, or Jackie Milburn.
West Ham – Avram Grant seems to be loved wherever he goes, yet no one knows why.
Wigan – By Christmas, their average attendance will be 63 – with a margin of error of 63.
West Brom – Doomed.
There you have it – every day is a school day on Optajoke. Next week…what have we learnt after two weeks…and I’ll change everything I’ve written here. That’s football for you. Bloody hell.