Die-hard OptaJoke fans will remember after the very first games of the Premier League season, I wrote a blog entitled “The Premier League is a week old…what have we learnt?”, which jovially looked at the state of the table.
Well now we can truly look at the league table for 2010/2011 and discuss what we learnt from this season. Where did it all go wrong, or right, for the teams? Oh, and don’t take this too seriously…it’s only a game…
Man Utd – They won. They always win.
Chelsea – Were absolutely flying and then one of their players caught malaria. The oldest excuse in the book. They finished the season managerless after the eyebrow raising decision to sack Carlo Ancelotti…
Man City – They spent £700 million pounds on coming third and winning the FA Cup. Next season they’ll spend £950 million and win La Liga, they’re that powerful.
Arsenal – Fans spent every day of the season asking Arsene Wenger to buy a new goalkeeper and a new defender…and another goalkeeper, and another defender…and another goalkeeper, and another defender…and another goalkeeper and another defender…
Tottenham – The world became obsessed with Gareth Bale, despite Blackpool’s Gary Taylor-Fletcher setting up more than double the number of goals that Bale did. On that basis, Taylor-Fletcher will move to Real Madrid in the summer.
Liverpool – David N’Gog stopped scoring goals after the second game of the season. Kenny Dalglish turned up and saved their season. For an added bonus they made a fortune flogging a Spaniard to a Russian and collected a Geordie and a Uruguayan in exchange. It could only happen in the Premier League.
Everton – As ever, they were exceptional from February onwards. With that in mind, they’ll be playing in the MLS next season under the name of the Evertonian Toffee Crunchers.
Fulham – No one cared what happened to them all season, apart from one Sunday afternoon when Mohammed Al-Fayed unveiled a statue of Michael Jackson outside Craven Cottage. Shamon.
Aston Villa – Despite being a team full of promising young British footballers, no one really paid them any attention whatsoever. Finished ninth, amazingly.
Sunderland – Steve Bruce got fatter with every passing defeat and injury to his team. He ended the season weighing 27 stone.
West Brom – Appeared doomed, and then Woy Hodgson turned up. One great shake of his jowly chin ensured they’d stay up and surpass expectation.
Newcastle – Were laughing all the way to the bank when they flogged Andy Carroll for £35 million in January. Unfortunately that money couldn’t bribe enough defenders to allow Shola Ameobi to score a goal.
Stoke –Rory Delap’s throw-ins qualified for Europe via the FA Cup. Kenwynne Jones went around heading anything within sight. Tony Pulis continued to look like the Geography teacher who’s having to cover a Year 8 P.E. lesson.
Bolton – Kevin Davies went for his 12th consecutive season picking up more bookings than he got goals (I’ve not checked, but that sounds about true). Finished a disappointing fourteenth…if they’d have won their last game, they’d have come ninth.
Blackburn – Were taken over by a chicken company and appeared to replace Sam Allardyce with someone with the football management skills of Colonel Sanders.
Wigan – Were going to be relegated for 37 weeks of the season, and then snuck out at the very last minute. All 17 of their fans celebrated wildly.
Wolves – Truely scraped out of the relegation zone on the last day of the season. Never has a 3-2 home defeat to Blackburn been treated with such joy, and never shall it again.
Birmingham – The day before they won the Carling Cup, all their fans said they’d take staying up over winning a trophy…now they’ve been relegated they’re all saying exactly the opposite, of course.
Blackpool – Predictably they got relegated, but waited until the last day of the season to confirm their fate. To make matters worse for their suffering fans, it appears they’ll have to play in the Europa League next season.
West Ham – Scott Parker was voted the best player of the year by football writers…naturally assuming NO ONE in the league was better, despite the side coming absolute rock bottom.
There you have it – one whole season in tasty soundbites. We laughed, we cheered, we called Andy Gray & Richard Keys sexist. And would we do it all again? You bet – see you in August.